Sending Snail Mail to Our Grandchildren

Many of us autism grandparents who don’t live with our autistic grandchildren send them things through the mail from time to time. JC and I take care of our 4-year-old granddaughter Angelina a few days/nights every week while her mother (our daughter, Kelly) is working long shifts as a nurse at a large urban hospital.

Even though we see Angelina a lot, we also send her “letters” through the mail. And the types of letters that we send might stimulate ideas for “letters” that other grandparents can send to their autistic grandchildren.

Each of our letters consists of a photograph taped onto a sheet of notebook paper and accompanied by three questions. Each photo has me and/or JC in it, and sometimes Angelina too. Each of the three questions relates to the photo. Here is an example of a group of three questions: “Who is in this picture?” “What are they doing?” “Are they happy or sad or angry or surprised?”

We send each letter in an envelope that’s addressed to Angelina and that has her photo taped on it next to her name/address. And we’ve given Kelly a three-ring binder for the letters.

It is our hope that our letters are accomplishing the following six things.

1. Helping Angelina understand what “mail” is.

2. Giving Angelina an at-her-home happy reminder of her grandparents. (She likes/loves JC and me a lot and always wants to be with us.)

3. Causing Angelina to think and determine answers to questions.

4. Helping Angelina start to read.

5. Enabling Angelina and Kelly to have an enjoyable learning session together.

6. Providing an ever-growing hard-copy archive of annotated photos of JC and me that she can enjoy and continually learn from (and one day remember us by).

We send Angelina at least one of these letters each week. And the three questions on each letter are progressively more challenging as Angelina’s cognitive skills increase.

If you send letters to your autistic grandchildren, I’d love for you to share your methods and goals in the comments below, or on the Forum section of this website.

Art and Autism

I wonder how many autism grandparents involve their grandchildren in art experiences: giving them a sketchpad and crayons, a tube of paint and a poster board, a glue stick and paper and scissors. And observing what happens.

JC and I are both artists, and JC has a long career as an art teacher of all ages. So we often do “art things” with Angelina, our 4-year-old granddaughter who is on the autism spectrum. We’ve learned that there is abundant research that confirms the widespread value of various art-based therapies for autistic persons.

Several years ago I visited a music therapy class during which a 15-year-old autistic girl spoke for the first time. Just last month a mother told me about a painting that her 12-year-old autistic son created – a painting that caused their first ever communication.

Research points to the value of the arts in enhancing verbal skills, increasing mobility, instilling a positive sense of self, understanding instructions, reducing combativeness, increasing socialization, and so much more in autistic persons of all ages. Of course every autistic person is different and there are no individual guarantees regarding specific art involvements and therapies.

JC and I are very involved as autism grandparents, but we are definitely not autism experts or “art therapy” experts. So our arts involvements with Angelina are not grounded in any structured or proven research – at least not that we know of. But we can see improvement in Angelina in three areas: dexterity (she is getting better and better in using a paintbrush, scissors, crayons, etc.); attention span (she’s progressed from 30 seconds to 30 minutes or more); and understanding instructions (for example, “put some glue on the piece of paper and then turn it over and then press it down”).

I suspect that all autism grandparents would have individually different approaches to doing art things with their grandchildren. JC and I certainly do.

Because of JC’s extensive experience teaching art to children, she knows what sorts of things work best, what sorts of things best inspire creativity, and what sorts of things enhance a child’s pride and self-worth. For example, she never does anything “for” Angelina during an art project; she allows Angelina to do it herself and thus make plenty of “mistakes.” But the end product is always totally Angelina’s. When Angelina expresses frustration at not being able to cut things properly with the scissors or squeeze the glue from the tube or anything else, JC will simply encourage her to try again – and praise her for each step in the right direction.

My methods with Angelina are pretty much opposite of those of JC, and I’m slowly trying to improve because I realize that JC’s are better. I tend to simply give Angelina some art tools (paint, brushes, giant piece of paper) and let her do whatever she wants without any guidance. And when Angelina exhibits frustration, I tend to help her by doing it for her. I’ll of course say, “Here’s how you do it.” I’m trying to learn to be more encouraging of Angelina doing hard things by herself.

Our arts involvements with Angelina haven’t resulted in any epiphanies that we’re aware of. And they are not yet activities that Angelina regularly begs for when she visits us. But we do them often and are hopeful that they are contributing to Angelina’s overall development.

If you Google “art and autism” you’ll find a huge variety of information and websites. For example, http://the-art-of-autism.com is an online art gallery and blog. Purevisionarts.org is the website of a New York City studio/gallery for autism and other developmental disabilities. And there is a comprehensive website that includes a list of art/autism related organizations all over the world: www.healing-power-of-art.org.

The Dominant Grandparent Can Be Wrong!

In two-parent households, usually one parent takes the lead regarding raising the children. The same is often true for grandparents as they relate to their grandchildren. One grandparent takes charge of what to do and how to do it.

I’ve learned first-hand that it can be a great idea for the lead grandparent to allow their spouse to do things their way and see how it goes – even when the lead grandparent is certain it will be a disaster.

When our granddaughter Angelina was born, she spent her first 130 days in the hospital, and when she was released she was tethered to wires and tubes and required precise medicines and timed therapies. Because my brain is geared to such detail, I took charge of Angelina when she was in our care – several days/nights every week.

Angelina is now four years old, and she is totally untethered and without medicines, and for four years JC (my wife) has been insisting that I “allow” her to do more than hold and cuddle and love Angelina. She has been insisting that she can watch and care for Angelina and deal with her autism peculiarities without me being present. (Even though I was certain this would not turn out well.) Boy was I ever wrong!!! JC now does lots of things for and with Angelina – and does them far better than I could ever do them. Following are seven examples.

1. HOUSEHOLD CHORES – I walked into the kitchen one day to find Angelina helping JC put away the clean contents of the dishwasher, including putting the knives, forks, and spoons into the correct slots. (I don’t have the patience for this, but JC loves it and Angelina benefits greatly.)

2. BACKYARD CHORES – After a couple of hours in my home office, I discovered that JC and Angelina were in the backyard where Angelina had proudly picked up the fallen sticks from a days-earlier storm. JC had of course shown her how and had showered her with praise. (Again, not something I could have done.)

3. CLEANING UP YOUR MESS – Whenever I care for Angelina, the living room winds up being scattered with toys and crayons and all sorts of other stuff. But whenever JC cares for Angelina, the living room winds up being picked up. JC insists, and Angelina complies, that Angelina pick up her things after playing with them.

4. A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING – “Where does this go?” is something that JC often says to Angelina. Now Angelina puts her shoes in the shoe rack, her crayons in the crayon jar, her blocks in the block box, etc. (Again, I don’t have the patience.)

5. PERSONAL HYGENE – When JC takes care of Angelina, she washes her hands at all the right times: before and after meals, after she uses the bathroom, and whenever they get dirty. (Angelina’s hands are lucky to get washed even once when I care for her.)

6. PLAYING TOGETHER ALONE – The other day I walked in to find JC and Angelina sitting on the couch - JC reading her own book and Angelina reading HER book. (Angelina can’t yet read, but she makes up little stories and she turns the pages.) I’ve never ever been able to accomplish “playing together alone” with Angelina.

7. MIND AND BODY – JC does yoga and when she suggested that she get Angelina to do yoga with her I knew it would never happen. Wrong! Now Angelina loves doing the various yoga exercises with JC. No television, no toys, nothing but making her mind and body healthier.

The lesson I’ve learned is that both grandparents can often contribute in equally valuable but very different ways to their grandchildren’s care. AND that the dominant grandparent should let the other grandparent take a turn!