Oh Those Teaching Moments!

Like many others, I am now in the habit of taking a walk each day to get out of the house in a way that adheres to the social distancing guidelines and still being enjoyable. I take the kiddos, Ethan and Andy (and usually one of the dogs too), and we stroll for about a mile through our neighborhood.

On one particular afternoon, I caught myself in a teaching moment with Ethan. Sometimes he likes to run ahead of me on our walks and at this particular moment, we approached an intersection. I am proud to say that as he did so, he stopped and asked if he could go ahead and cross it. When he asked this, I thought to myself, let me turn this into a teaching moment. Of course what I failed to think about was the fact that this was one of the hotter days, nearly 90 degrees, late afternoon, and given that we were toward the end of our walk, we were all already beet red and sweaty. But, of course, I went for it.

“Ethan, what do we need to do first before we cross the street?” He responded, “Look for cars.” And then at that point we worked through how to check both ways and determine whether it was safe to cross. As the sun beat down on us I walked into the intersection asking myself why in the world had I chosen that moment to work on this? It would have been a lot easier to just keep walking and get home. Where was my head? Well, I knew where it was…it was doing what it does as a trained teacher: it was taking advantage of a natural opportunity to impart important information in the moment.

These teaching moments are continually available to us. They allow children to apply and practice skills when they are actually intended to use them. Much like learning to drive a car, at some point you have to put the manual down and turn on the ignition and actually practice driving. It is not enough to simply learn through reading or worksheets.

These in-situ teaching moments allow our kiddos to practice skills when they are actually needed and they allow us to reinforce those efforts. Teaching moments can happen when it is time to put on shoes to go outside, when it is time to get a snack, when a child is making a decision about what to wear, and so on. They can also occur when you are simply doing something fun and want to find a way for the child to join in, such as having a child water plants while you garden, or help wash the vegetables for the salad you are making. When a teaching moment occurs we can choose the fast and easy way of doing the task for the child ourselves, or we can embrace the teaching moment and give the child an opportunity to practice the skill on their own. It is always easier to do the task for a child and sometimes when we attempt a teaching moment, the child may resist. He or she may WANT you to do the task for them. Although this can be challenging, perseverance is key.

For example, let’s say you’re picking up your grandchild for a visit to the park. As you walk into the house to get her, you notice her shoes aren’t on. She is excited to go to the park and so you let her know you can leave as soon as she puts on her shoes. She resists and begins to cry while pulling your hand toward her shoes. You can say, “I know you want me to do this for you but I want to help you do it yourself” while also asking the child to do a portion of the task. It can help to ask the child to do some of the task, not all of it, if this is the first time you are working on the skill together. Perhaps the first step in the shoe example is to simply get the shoes from the closet, or maybe it is to just pull the laces after the shoes are tied, or maybe it is pushing her feet into the shoes while you hold them. It will be helpful to identify a place to start and build from there. What you are teaching the child by doing this is that you support them and will help them build skills just like their parents and teachers do. It is, of course, fine to also find moments to spoil the kiddos … but it helps to balance that with teaching moments. It is so exciting to see a child build their skills, especially when we are the ones supporting them to do so.

What’s in YOUR Notebook?

It took me a few months to conceive and put together a special notebook and get it fully operational, but my Angelina Notebook is now a mainstay regarding my relationship with my granddaughter.

Perhaps you have something similar regarding your autistic grandchild, or perhaps you have advice regarding something even more useful.

Simply put, my Angelina Notebook is a reference and guide for my interactions with Angelina – almost all of which are times that I keep her while her mother is at work as a nurse in a major hospital: a few times every week including some overnight stays.

Following is the list of Tabs and contents of my Angelina Notebook. (And again, I welcome your advice on how to improve this and/or to have a whole different system.)

My photo is a goofy one that I know will always get a smiling reaction from Angelina.

1. ONE – CONTACTS This is the list of persons whom I might need to contact – and their cell/home/office contact information: my daughter’s several telephone numbers at work, as well as the exact location (building/floor) of her work, as well as the numbers of a couple of others at her work who can contact her if I can’t reach her direct; ditto for my daughter’s fiancé; Angelina’s primary care physician; etc.
   

2. TWO – PHOTOS OF ANGELINA’S “FAMILY” (immediate family and a few significant others) I show these to Angelina every time she visits – hopefully helping to convey the importance of my Angelina Notebook.
   

3. THREE – EMERGENCY MEDICAL INFO Here I list the top priority things that healthcare workers need to know (including insurance information) if ever I have to take Angelina for emergency medical attention.
   

4. FOUR – FOOD This is a continually-added-to list of food/drink that Angelina likes. (She had significant eating disorders during her first couple of years – so it’s wonderful when we discover new things that she likes to eat.) Simply having this list to refer to is great when it’s time to prepare meals and snacks.
   

5. FIVE – ROUTINE MAINTENANCE This is an ever-DEcreasing list of things I am required to do when Angelina stays with me. It was a long list when she was finally released from the hospital 130 days after she was born. At that time she was tethered to a feeding tube, a pulse/ox wire, and a nasal cannula. And she took various medicines at various intervals. Now, at 4 years old, those things are long gone, but I still list a couple of things that I do whenever she visits. One of them right now as I write this is to check her tick bite. (From a strawberry-picking outing a week ago.)
   

6. SIX – FUN STUFF This is a continually changing list of things that Angelina enjoys doing when she visits me. One recent addition is Flying a Kite (we drive to a vacant field). One indoor activity is playing with kinetic sand. This section also includes photos (when I have time to take them and attach them) of some of the things. Angelina will stay with me this coming weekend, and it will be so nice to be able to continually refer to this list when she and I are deciding what to do next.
   

7. SEVEN – GOALS This is a short but continually changing list of a very few goals/accomplishments – each small enough to be attainable - that I try to work on with Angelina. When she accomplishes a goal, I add a new goal. One current goal is for her to enunciate the “f” sound. She currently says it like “b.” And we’re getting there. She now lets me fold her lower lip up under her upper teeth and when she then emits a sound, often it’s the proper “f” sound. I’m hopeful that she’ll accomplish the goal within the next couple of weeks, and then we’ll tackle another enunciation challenge. Angelina now talks in full sentences, but her enunciation is such that often only we family members know what she is saying. Each time we work on a specific goal, I’ll put a mark next to that goal in the notebook.
   

8. EIGHT – VIDEOS (TV shows, movies, YouTube stuff - anything that can be seen on a television) This is a continually changing list of things that Angelina really enjoys watching on television. This section also includes photos (when I have time to take them and attach them).
   

9. NINE – VISIT RECORD This continually-added-to section is basically an ongoing “journal” of Angelina’s visits with me. Every time she visits, I list the date and get her to add a sticker. (Any sticker works; I use whatever is at hand). Then, after she leaves, if I have the time and energy I’ll write a very brief note about the visit.

My Angelina Notebook was a long time in creation, but in my case it was worth it. Oh, one last thing, if you make one of these, be sure to tell your grandchild’s parents that you’re doing so, and get their advice regarding what they think should be in it.

“Curing” PGD

Are you like me? Do you have PGD? (I have an intense case of it.)

Dr. Temple Grandin continually says how valuable it was for her that her parents “pushed” her to do things for herself – difficult things. Dr. Grandin recommends that this is generally good for persons on the autism spectrum.

Dr. Grandin has never been a grandparent.

I have PGD: Permissive Grandparent Disorder. It’s a term that I coined to describe something that I suspect is common among grandparents. We have a tendency to “spoil” our grandchildren, grant every wish, make things easy for them, and of course to never make them do anything they don’t want to do.

Angelina is now 4 years old, and I realize that my PGD does not contribute to her progress. For example, I’ll put her clothes on for her even though my daughter tells me that Angelina dresses herself at home. For example, I’ll lift Angelina and put her into her car seat even though my daughter tells me that Angelina can climb in by herself. For example, when I’m keeping Angelina I’ll be attentive to her every second even though my daughter tells me that Angelina can spend a lot of time (30 minutes or more) playing by herself. There is a long list of similar “even though's.”

I have now sought advice from a variety of sources, and the following is my new list of things I’m trying to put into practice.

1. I recognize that I have PGD and I commit to “curing” it.

2. I will “push” Angelina on things that are in her short- and long-term best interest.

3. I realize that successfully doing something difficult will give Angelina a feeling of accomplishment and confidence.

4. I will sometimes offer Angelina a time limit for trying something difficult: “Let’s pick up toys for one minute and then you can stop.”

5. I will sometimes use a play-based approach when encouraging Angelina to do something difficult: “Let’s sing the happy song about the toys going to their homes.”

6. I will recognize that even though it’s easier and quicker for me to pick up Angelina’s toys for her, brush her teeth for her, put her clothes on for her, etc. etc., I’ll work hard to remember that it’s better to get Angelina to try to do those things by herself.

7. I will understand that Angelina is best motivated to do something difficult when she has lots of energy and has no stress or tension. And that the opposite is also true.

8. I will make difficult goals small enough that they are attainable.

9. I will reduce long-term goals into a series of small, short-term goals: “Our goal now is to learn to draw the first letter of the alphabet.”

10. I will sometimes use things that Angelina enjoys as rewards for doing/trying difficult things.

11. I will always, always, always shower Angelina with smiling praise when she accomplishes something difficult.

12. I will always remember that autism is different for everyone and that the most important thing is for me to “know” Angelina. And also that what works for Angelina works for Angelina.